Monday, October 4, 2010

Commie Bastards And Halloween

It’s October, and that means Halloween is just around the corner.

Naturally, my son's school came out with a list of the “best” treats and “worst” treats for Halloween.

Here’s a partial list of their “best” treats:

“Pretzels, crackers, and popcorn. If you get whole-grain versions of crackers and pretzels, you can add some much needed fiber to the season’s high-chocolate diet.”

Yeah, right. That’s just what we need. A bunch of little crotch parasites running around with too much fiber in their diet from all the whole grains they’re scarfing down. There will be legions of little farters roaming our neighborhoods.

Well, that's just fucking beautiful.

“Pumpkin seeds, almonds, peanuts, and trail mix”.

Peanuts? Aren’t they constantly warning us about peanut allergies and now we’re supposed to hand this shit out?

Trail mix? Are you shitting me? Trail mix? Where are these kids Trick or Treating? The fucking old west?

“Juice boxes. (just check the label to make sure it’s juice & not colored sugar water!).”

What the hell is wrong with colored sugar water? I grew up on motherfucking Kool-Aid and Tang, and I turned out okay. Maybe if more kids had good old Kool-Aid they’d be able to stay awake in their goddamn math class.

Here’s their “worst” list of treats.

“Gummy bears, jelly beans, caramels, fruit leather, gum, and other sticky treats. Full-sized chocolate bars. Cookies and snack cakes. Stay away from the following snacks voted worst vending machine snacks for kids by the Center for Science in the Public Interest: Chips Ahoy!, Oreos, Hostess HOHOs & other snack cakes, Keebler Club & Cheddar Sandwich Crackers, & Starburst Fruit Chews.”

Um… Back the fucking pimpmobile up.

Who in the hell gives out Keebler Cheddar Sandwich Crackers for Halloween? If I’m Trick or Treating that’s a house that is getting toilet papered.

And who are these fucking communists at the “Center for Science in the Public Interest”? That’s right communists. Anyone who doesn’t like a fucking Hostess HOHO has to be a goddamn commie bastard.

Gummy bears? Come on! What are old people and babies supposed to eat?

And Chips Ahoy? How can you knock a food that’s basically saying hello every time you look at the bag. That’s not a bad treat. That’s a motherfucking happy treat. That’s a treat that welcomes you home, goddamn it.

They’re bashing Starburst fruit chews too? What the fuck? It says fruit right on them. We’re supposed to have five servings a day of that shit, right?

I say fuck these commie assholes. Don’t listen to these people that want to ruin Halloween.

Load up your kids with their trick or treat candy and chocolate. Thousands of fucking dentists are depending on us. Just make sure to check out their bags first and snag a few of the good treats for yourself.

You know… Like the Keebler Cheddar Sandwich Crackers….


  1. lmbo Ummm I give out snickers and reeses and other chocolate laden goodies.. cause hello that is what Halloween is about

  2. If I got a bag of peanuts from someone I would tell them I am not a fucking elephant and yet I will remember to tell the other little kids to aim the bags at the peoples head! Who the fuck wants trail mix? Whats worse are the boxes of fucking raisins! Give us the good shit people! When my kids go to bed, I want to be able to steal the good candy like mounds, twix, reeses, milky ways....etc....nomnomnom...I am so hungry now!

  3. god, I remember the good ole days of just being able to take homemade cookies or cupcakes to school.

    And riding a bike without a helmet

    and god forbid, drinking real milk instead of formula for my babies. and they are freaking fine.

  4. In the words of a wise man FUCK THEM what's wrong with a little candy for Halloween. I mean it's bad enough every other holliday is ruined to shit now their fucking with Halloween.

  5. Worst place I ever trick-or-treated handed out those church "tracts" ( Seriously people, let me take my chances with cavities and hell... I'll take the candy.

  6. Halloween Nazis!!

    I'm just saying we'd have egged someone's house if they handed out the so-called-healthy snacks!

    These are the same people who put 'healthy' programs in our schools. Programs that ban chocolate from the vending machines but allow them to sell Honey Buns!! Programs that ban caffiene, but allow the lunch lady to serve up a crispedo smothered in greasy artificial cheese product!

    GRRRRR!!! Yeah... soapbox!!

    And don't get me started on all the costumes the schools find inappropriate! It's Halloween fuckers!! NOT EASTER!! I got enough of the warm and fuzzies in the spring... now I want to see someone get the shit scared out of them!

  7. Man could I go for a Hostess Cupcake right now! Now I usually just throw half a cookie in the kids bags. Is that a good treat or a bad one? And when I run out of cookies, I switch to dog treats. Once I ran out of those too and had to give out cigs. Don't think THAT didn't hurt me!

  8. Damn Middlechild! I should tell the Sir we need to hit up your house! We are running low on cigs and my dog would love some treats!

  9. Is it wrong to give kids scotch as a treat for Halloween ?

  10. Why do there have to be shitheads that want to take the fun out of everything? I'm sure when they were kids they liked candy. Go to hell with your healthy snacks.

  11. Singed, mmmm snickers

    Raisins for Halloween sucked!

    Dazee, I know, right!

    Diva, you rock.

    Wolf, yep, commie bastards.

    Ange, "Seriously, I'll take my chances with cavities and hell..." BWahahahahahaha!!!!

    PWT, damn right!

    middle....HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! I need to trick or treat at your house.

    Wolf, Nope, not in my neoghborhood.

    Mike, Because they are commie bastards. They take the fun out of everything.