It’s October, and that means Halloween is just around the corner.
Naturally, my son's school came out with a list of the “best” treats and “worst” treats for Halloween.
Here’s a partial list of their “best” treats:
“Pretzels, crackers, and popcorn. If you get whole-grain versions of crackers and pretzels, you can add some much needed fiber to the season’s high-chocolate diet.”
Yeah, right. That’s just what we need. A bunch of little crotch parasites running around with too much fiber in their diet from all the whole grains they’re scarfing down. There will be legions of little farters roaming our neighborhoods.
Well, that's just fucking beautiful.
“Pumpkin seeds, almonds, peanuts, and trail mix”.
Peanuts? Aren’t they constantly warning us about peanut allergies and now we’re supposed to hand this shit out?
Trail mix? Are you shitting me? Trail mix? Where are these kids Trick or Treating? The fucking old west?
“Juice boxes. (just check the label to make sure it’s juice & not colored sugar water!).”
What the hell is wrong with colored sugar water? I grew up on motherfucking Kool-Aid and Tang, and I turned out okay. Maybe if more kids had good old Kool-Aid they’d be able to stay awake in their goddamn math class.
Here’s their “worst” list of treats.
“Gummy bears, jelly beans, caramels, fruit leather, gum, and other sticky treats. Full-sized chocolate bars. Cookies and snack cakes. Stay away from the following snacks voted worst vending machine snacks for kids by the Center for Science in the Public Interest: Chips Ahoy!, Oreos, Hostess HOHOs & other snack cakes, Keebler Club & Cheddar Sandwich Crackers, & Starburst Fruit Chews.”
Um… Back the fucking pimpmobile up.
Who in the hell gives out Keebler Cheddar Sandwich Crackers for Halloween? If I’m Trick or Treating that’s a house that is getting toilet papered.
And who are these fucking communists at the “Center for Science in the Public Interest”? That’s right communists. Anyone who doesn’t like a fucking Hostess HOHO has to be a goddamn commie bastard.
Gummy bears? Come on! What are old people and babies supposed to eat?
And Chips Ahoy? How can you knock a food that’s basically saying hello every time you look at the bag. That’s not a bad treat. That’s a motherfucking happy treat. That’s a treat that welcomes you home, goddamn it.
They’re bashing Starburst fruit chews too? What the fuck? It says fruit right on them. We’re supposed to have five servings a day of that shit, right?
I say fuck these commie assholes. Don’t listen to these people that want to ruin Halloween.
Load up your kids with their trick or treat candy and chocolate. Thousands of fucking dentists are depending on us. Just make sure to check out their bags first and snag a few of the good treats for yourself.
You know… Like the Keebler Cheddar Sandwich Crackers….