Holidaze

Halloween is my favorite for a reason. Give me some spooky stories and a truckload of chocolate over Santa and his bastard reindeer, any day.

So, I am just recovering from the labor-day picnic, closing the pool, and putting the summer away and into the back of the closet, with that yoga mat I'm gonna use again some day. I had to run to the drug store for some condoms and beer , to refill my prescription, and that is when I saw it. That isle.

You know the one I'm talking about, people. It's usually stocked with cheap flip-flops, sunscreen and school supplies. However, now, it's overloaded with tinsel and an animatronic snowman who grabs its belly and loudly laughs when you pass by giving you a mild fucking heart-attack in the process.

WTF people? It's OCTOBER. Stop shoving Christmas down my motherfucking throat! There's a lot of things I'd rather have in that isle; red foil wrapping paper is not one of them.

I decided to try and ignore it. Fuck it, I'm going to avoid that area of whatever store I go into. Which is decidedly difficult since I'm the queen of retail therapy and find myself cruising through stores on a regular basis.

I was doing O.K. I have been able to mentally block out the bells hanging from the rafters, the Grinch slippers, and the stupid singing snowmen. But yesterday was just too much.

I needed to go the mall. Shut up. The Duke bought a new Mustang convertible on Saturday. He called all fucking giddy and shit saying, "Dutch? I wasn't planning on it, but I just bought a new car."

The hell?

After thinking about it, I decided that I needed some new shoes to match the new car. And maybe I'll pick up a goddamn Rolex that I wasn't planning on buying.

Anyway... As it happens, my best friend was already there and we decided to meet up for some much needed girl-time. Everything was going great until we made our way to the center of the mall.

Now, I'd been able to turned a blind eye to the ornament store, and didn't acknowledge the stockings hung with care in shop windows. Then, I saw it.

There in all it's motherfucking glory was an 80 foot. 1/2 decorated, fake Christmas tree. And to top it all off, nestled under its huge boughs, was none-other than Santa fucking Claus's "workshop" being built.

I say W? T? F? and call BULLSHIT!

IT'S NOT EVEN HALLOWEEN YET!!

Isn't this against some kind of damn holiday rule?

Are we going to see the goddamn Easter Bunny traipsing around with that naked New Year's baby?

Should we give heart-shaped boxes of candy to our lovers on the goddamn fourth of July??

Preparation and early shopping is one thing, but come the fuck on! You store owner people are push the limit every year to ridiculous fucking proportions.

Do you realize that we are bastardizing turkey day? Which, in my opinion, is far superior to X-mas anyway. You don't have to do a damn thing except show up at someone's house wearing stuff your pie hole-accommodating stretchy pants.

Thanksgiving is being totally glossed over. How can we going to lose sight of celebrating the raping, pillaging and ripping-off of our native fore people?

Is it nothing more than a goddamn race to see who will get the Hershey kisses wrapped in brown foil 4 months before you sit down for Turkey Day Dinner?

Christ on a cupcake, fuckers! Stop it!!!