Sunday, October 24, 2010

Some Wine, A Bathtub, and A Dutchess

It's Sunday and that means it must be time for...

One Crazy Brunette Chick

You fucking people disappoint me. Last Sunday I put up my spiffy new grab button on the sidebar, a Mr. Linky and invited you all to join me in my bathtub.


After consoling myself with a vast amount of alcohol, (and a brand new Mustang Convertible because you fuckers made me question my cool status), I asked The Duke what his thoughts were.

Without missing a beat, he says, "Babe, it's the Bush. The SOS pad convention you are hosting near your crotch scares the hell out of everyone."

So fine, asshats. Since my mad nip twirling skillz, boxed wine and drunken rambling doesn't impress you, I succumbed to a Brazilian wax yesterday.

Now? My goddamn pussy is so swollen it looks like I'm hiding Mick fucking Jagger inside of my twat, except there was no room for his fucking lips.

I am not a happy Dutchess. No Mr. Linky for YOU this week!

Speaking of unhappy, I have a bone to pick with this ever growing Royal Family.

Someone better start coordinating days off. Since CB left, most of you are fucking slacking. I drove past many empty street corners this weekend. That shit just isn't acceptable.

I don't fucking care if you are mourning the loss of CB . Get back to your corner.

I don't care if you got stuck in the moat. Climb the goddamn wall and get back to your corner.

I don't fucking care if your goddamn shoe broke. Duct tape that mother back together and get back to your corner.

I don't fucking care if you have double vision. Strap on an eye patch and pretend you're a goddamn ass pirate. (BTW we charge double for that.)

I don't care if you have the fucking clap. Get a shot penicillin, squeegee your pussy, and get back to your corner.

I don't care if you think you need fucking rehab since becoming part of the Royal Family. Take another Xanax, shut the fuck up, and get back to your damn corner.

We have on staff:
A Queen
A Princess,
A Dame,
A Countess yet to be named,
Security Momma,
Security Vixen,
A Security Peon,
A Security Zombie,
A Personal Security Person,
A Royal Bartender and A Royal Vet

There is no reason for empty fucking street corners. The Queen and I may be shit faced drunk, stoned, seeing double and hearing voices, but we have been running this business for a long time. Make no mistake, we notice when you are not there. Don't think you can get away with this missing in action shit.

Not everyone is a slacker. Some of you are on your regular corner giving ass and taking names. But, some of you? Not so fucking much.

If you are slacking, here is your warning...

Unless you cleared a day off with the Queen or myself, your ass better be on duty next time I drive by in my new fucking Mustang.

Now that we have that all straightened out, I must finish watching Denver get the shit kicked out of them. Where is Elway when you need him.


  1. OMG .. Mick Jaggers LIPS buwahahaha ...

  2. I knew I just couldn't compete with the best on the drunken reflections. I'm sorry. I felt the spank (but I kind of liked it)

  3. Hey sis.. thanks for picking up the slack on the ass chewing. I saw those empty street corners..then I saw a pub with a gin special..and well.. I lost track of the fact you told me to chew some ass.. Thanks hooker.. heart you long time..

  4. I could use a box and a tub... let us know if you pick it back up next week!

  5. yeah yeah...go take this bottle of xanax and quit your bitching! Some of us had good reasons for being off! LMAO

    Here, I made it up to you and participated!

    I heart you Dutchess!

  6. I did enjoy the royal asss kicking the Raiders put on those sorry assed Broncos. Too bad Elway wasn't there for it.

  7. Elizabeth, Mick thought it was funny too.

    Dazee, I knew you would like it! You are a bad girl.

    Queenie, I'm just doing my Dutchess-ly duty.
    I heart your face, skank!

    Oh Dame, it's in my blood to be bitchy. but, I'll take the xanax anyway. I heart you too Hooker!

    Mikey, becareful, you are treading on thin ice there buddy.

  8. OH OH OH You are a mean drunk! Now, I know where Jimmy Hoffa is! :) Where's is my therapist, I need a tissue!

  9. Sorry Donda, I just call 'em like I see 'em. However, I'd blame the Dame. She was lacking on her suppy of my xanax. No xanax = a mean crazy Dutchess.