Friday, October 22, 2010

BSF and Fuck You

Ok, normally this is Blog Stalk Friday with CB. I have no idea who CB is passing her BSF baby off to, but I'm sure it will be back very soon.

This has been a super shitty week for your Dutchess. So, today, after having been knee deep for most of this week, in the shit slinging sty that is my extended real-life family, I decided to pull into Burger King for a large Dr. pepper.

Oh yes, my dear assclowns, you know where this must be going, right?

I was desperate for a Dr. Pepper and I decided to give them another chance.

But of course, they never fail to send me on my way gripping the fucking steering wheel in a blind rage, screaming, "My way, motherfuckers! MY WAY!"

So, I swing through the drive-thru and I order a simple large Dr. Pepper. Here's where it gets fucking strange...

I pull up to the first window and a guy opens it up with a huge smile on his face. I flinch and cower in my seat. I'm not fucking prepared for this unexpected turn in my relationship with BK. After I calm myself, I hand him 5 dollars.

Freaky BK Guy With Shit Eating Grin: "Ha! Can I keep the change?"

Me, with an equally dazzling sneer: "If you'll stop smiling like you just killed your mother and ate her goddamn ear, absofuckinglutely!"

Freaky BKGrin: "Huh? Ha! You're pretty!"

Me (rolling my window up and leaving just enough room for him to slide the bills through. Fuck the change): "And you're creepy! Ha!"

Freaky BKGrin: "Think we got enough rain?"

Me: "Well, you didn't drown, so I guess fucking not."

It dawns on me by now that this guy can't possibly hear a word I'm saying. He is only hearing the voices in his head.

Freaky BKGrin: "It didn't dampen your spirits, did it? Ha!"

Me: "Me? Oh, nooooooo, I'm the happ-happ-happiest motherfucker you've ever seen. I take my meds every single day. You should try it Mc-fucking-Grinner."

Freaky BKGrin holds out my money. I roll the window down enough to snatch it and roll it back up before he can eat my damn head. He just smiles. I move up to the next window.

BK Girl With Scowl and The Dull, Lifeless Eyes of The Mentally Void: "Here."

She hands me my drink and I relax because this is the BK I am use to.

The drink is a medium. Of fucking course.

Me: "Excuse me. I asked for a large."

She glares at me and turns to whatever ass pirate they call a manager.

BKScowl: "She said she asked for an large."

Now, I haven't been back to BK in a while for one reason: They hate me and they remember my face.

The last time I was there, I was hungover, I was smack in the middle of a goddamn hot flash, and it was 8 a.m.

They're all just fucking lucky to be alive after they did the exact same shit to me then as they were doing today.

Don't they know you never, ever, ever doubt a customers word when all it will cost is a measly .44 cents (which I was sure I had already paid).

I pulled out a dollar bill when Scowl came back because I am in no mood to fuck around and just want my goddamn Dr. Pepper. I didn't want to argue or go to fucking jail either. With CB leaving this week and throwing the whole fucking blogosphere into mourning, it would have taken DAYS for someone to realize I was missing.

I silently handed BKScowl her the dollar and watched her walk away. She came back, gave me my large Dr. Pepper and shut the window without saying a word.

Oh. No. She. Didn't. Now I was pissed. Defcon 5 motherfucking pissed. I reached over and rapped on the window.

Scowl: "Yes?"

So, I paid the difference for the medium to large size, but you still didn't give me any change. That dollar was not a tip, sugarbitch."

Scowl: "What?"

I glanced behind me. It is a shitty, cold, rainy day and there is no one behind me. I put my car in reverse and back up to Freaky BKGrin's window. He opens. Grinning.

Me: "Steve, I don't want to deal with Beckky The goddamn Wonder Bimbo anymore. Can you please give me my fucking dollar back?"

BKGrin: "My name's not Steve!"

Me: "Whatever. Can I get my dollar?"

BKGrin: "Hang on! Ha!"

He disappears for a couple seconds and returns with my dollar. See how fucking simple that was?

Me: "Sam, you've been wonderful. Oh, and the girl at the next window? She said you're hot. Ha!"

My way, motherfuckers. MINE.

And to my fucked up, drama desperate, shit slinging good for fucking nothing dicklick ex-brother in-law....This is for you


  1. I had not yet had my morning pee, when you emailed this to me....come on over bitch.. we have sheets to wash..

    This is one of the funniest things I've watched... and so true.. we will hear it all week at school.. ha ha

  2. god, when I grow up, I want to have your balls. I would love to do that kind of shit!!!

  3. Dutchess, I bow to your evilness and revenge! Wherever you go, people will get their shit in check! Love ya!

  4. You pretty much rocked that!

  5. Sis, you know I don't do laundry. When the sheets are dirty, throw them away and buy new. We DID just inherit an ass load of money, right?

    Dazee, they are just clip on balls. I only use them when I need them.

    love you too Dame.

    Diva, thank you.