Thursday, November 18, 2010

Birthdays and Pink Rabbits

My Son, the Spawn of Satan, turned 16 on Monday. We are having a big birthday party for him on Sunday, because I need blog fodder and a family party is sure to produce that and I have a million things to do.

My mom offered to help, and I jumped on that shit. What I didn't know, was that she was bringing my nephew and niece along (4 year old twins). I wasn't happy, but I made a huge batch of grape Kool-aid, gave them each 2 cookies, spun them like little sticky tops, and turned them fucking loose in the the basement where there is a playroom.

An hour later, my Mom and I are elbow deep in party favors and decoration preparations. I have pretty much managed to drown out the shrieks, giggles and sound of shit being thrown around because I am my happy place with my Corona by my side. I didn't realize they had moved upstairs to where the XBOX is.

I hear the demons coming down the stairs and my nephew explodes into the kitchen waving my pink rabbit vibrator like its the motherfucking Olympic torch.

He is being chased by the other crotch parasite. As I stand there with my eyes dangerously close to falling out onto my goddamn cheeks, he starts running laps around my mother and shrieking, "Look, GiGI! Look! If you turn this thing at the bottom, it shakes!!"

My mother is nodding in her grandma way and turning her head to and fro, trying to get a better look at the object my nephew is clutching.

Corona be damned. My mother's husband has prostate cancer, so I know she hasn't had sex in a long time, but I'm pretty sure she still remembers what a goddamn dick looks like.

I skid around the corner like scooby-fucking-doo and launch myself at my nephew. I snatched it out of his grubby little hands and disappeared up the stairs before the little asshole even realized what had happened.

After he finally stopped screaming (I threatened to give him away to the creepy Rednecks down the street if he ever went into my bedroom again. I told him they would change his name to Bubba and make him rub their feet), my mother asked me what he had been playing with.

I looked her straight in the eye and said, "Did you know that Susannah stole your car one night when she was 17, and screwed that Trevor dude in the backseat?"

Susannah is my sister. My Mom gathered the two little assholes and left immediately.

Susannah has called me numerous times. I'm not fucking answering.


  1. Okay this post reminds me and The Sir about that scene from the movie Parenthood!!!

    "It's and electric ear cleaner!" Steve Martin

    "It's kind of big?" little girl

    "It sure was!" Grandma

    You should have had the twins try and clean Grandmas ears with it! You need a lockable treasure chest!

  2. OMG! I'm freaking laughing my ass off! Poor Susannah, that's funny shit!

  3. you are gonna have hell to pay with your sis. that is freaking hilarious.

  4. We don't like Susannah.. we blame her for everything.. she even broke the lamp in the hall mom.. you know.. your favorite.. Dutchess and I were trying to stop her.. she was a brat..

  5. YOU HAVE BEEN SUMMONED TO THE CASTLE.. move it bitch.. ha ha

  6. Dame...With my most excellent lover? My pink rabbit...on my Mom's ear? Nooooooooo Shut your whore mouth! Now I have to bleach the image from my mind.

    Diva, Susannah deserved it. lol

    Queen, yep!

    Eschelle, thanks!

    Nikki, than you.

    Queenie, I'm on my way!