Tuesday, November 23, 2010

You Knew We'd End Up Here

The next obvious stop in the...


This was all the Queen's doing. You see, the Queen has a thing for cowboys and things that are shiny. As we were passing through Vegas on our way to California, our drunken leader saw this...

The Queen let out a "YEEHAW!!", and before we could grab her, she was out of the bus and shimmying her way up the pole to the lighted Cowboy of her dreams.

At that point, we all knew we'd be here a while. However, this proved to be a lucrative stop because there is no better place for a rolling bus full of hookers, than fabulous Las Vegas.

While the ladies were setting up the Rolling Pleasure Palace, I decided to try my hand at some slots. That's when it happened.

I got the "fever" playing the "Wheel of Fortune" dollar slots. I think they pump inaudible hypnotic suggestions over the casino floor that say "feed me bitch, feed me, feed me over and over again. That way you either go to the goddamn buffet or throw another hundred-dollar bill into a dollar slot machine.

I couldn't seem to leave this one Wheel of Fortune machine. It had some kind of hold on me. I just kept playing, waiting to hear "WHEEL....OF....FORTUNE!", and spin for the big money win.

I found myself talking out loud using gambling terms. I'd hit that "max bet" button and yell, "Baby needs new shoes." "Momma needs to pay the rent." and "Forum Shops! I will make you my bitch!"

No matter how much cigar smoke wafted over me from the octogenarian who was plugged in to the slot machine on my right, I wasn't leaving my goddamn machine. (I was due for a win, I could feel it.)

She started getting a little pissed with me when I kept yelling, "Grandma needs the goddamn patch!"

I think she gave me the finger. It was a little bent and crooked, but it definitely resembled the finger.

It was at this moment that a couple stumbled up to the machine on my left. They looked like poster children for Wal-Mart.

He had a tee shirt with a black motorcycle vest over it, blue jeans, long hair, a moustache and a goatee. She had the hair, moustache and goatee and jeans but no tee shirt, just the black vest.

It's 8:30 in the morning and they're both drunk. Viva Las Vegas, baby!

He was slurring over and over again that he needed to "FUCKING EAT!!!!" and wandered off. She somehow managed to stick a twenty into the slot machine.

Of course her machine let out a "WHEEL....OF....FORTUNE!!!" on her very first fucking pull. She leans back to look up at the wheel spinning around and just as the wheel stops on one hundred dollars, she passes out with her head tilted back and her mouth wide open.

With a cigarette hanging from her mouth.

It was just hanging there. Kind of stuck on her goddamn lip.

I was tempted to use her mouth as an ashtray but I'm sure the elderly bitchy cigar queen on my right would rat me out.

It was at this moment that I noticed the tattoo on the passed out woman's left tit. I wasn't intentionally looking at her left boob, but it was sticking out of that black vest taking a look around for fuck sake.

On her left tit was a tattoo of Captain America.

Which is odd....

Flipping the bird.

Also odd....

Pointed at me.

Um.... Not so odd.

I've now been flipped off by the tit of passed out trailer trash on my left and "old mother cigar breath" on my right.

Yes, bring the kids; Las Vegas is fun for the whole fucking family.

And then "it" happened.

I hit the.....






I cash out the machine and grab my ticket.

"Smoke this grandma!!! Hey bitch, tuck that in, you'll poke someone's eye out with that thing."

I'm a motherfucking winner.

Las Vegas survived a visit from the Royals, but it may never be the same. Maybe the others will yell you their Vegas story, but sometimes, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas....


  1. Normally what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,, but um.. he was a real BIG cowboy.. and.. well.. he's not in Vegas anymore...

  2. Damn look! They took our photo and made it into a wall! We have some damn fine asses don't we?!

    Happy Thanksgiving! I heart you!