Monday, November 22, 2010

Tornadoes, A Bus and A Birthday

First of all, I have something to clarify. YES, ASSCLOWNS, I KNOW DUTCHESS IS REALLY SPELLED DUCHESS! I'm a drunk stoner, not stupid! Lot's of names sound the same and are spelled different.
Wendy - Wendi
Georgia - Jorja
Ginger - Jinjer
You get the point.
I like spelling Dutchess. It's slightly off center, unique, odd, and wrong. Sounds like it fits me to a tee...or tea. And? IT'S MY FUCKING BLOG AND I CAN DO WHAT I WANT. KAPISH?

Good. Now, on with tonight's installment of "Tales from the Road".

This heavy duty drunken drug fest aboard the Insane Hooker Bus would be enough to send Whitney, I'm a fucking crack ho and I like it, Houston running to rehab.

Add a huge family birthday bash for the Spawn of Satan, a 2 year old no nap asshole stuck to me like flies on shit, tornado sirens, (which BTW, Mother nature, it is No-fucking-vember you bitch. Enough already!) hail plopping down on my new fucking mustang, an ice sculpting contest and a motherfucking cat fight. Know what you get?

After a few drinks, Xanax, and a fat doobie, all was right with the world and we were back on the road.

Then, we stumbled upon this sign

Of course we took the damn exit. And hoo boy! The girls got excited when we saw this next

As we crept around the bend, we found it....the Motherland.

We piled off of the bus and went to the nearest bar where we engaged in karaoke, dancing on tables, and a cherry stem knotting contest. I was running out of steam, and headed back to the bus for some much needed alone time. That's when I noticed something strange going on.

The hell? The motherfucking bus was being invaded!

*kcshhhhhhk*Houston, we have a Pussy problem.*kcshhhhhhk*

I sprinted ....ok, assholes, I walked, back to the goddamn bar to inform the Queen about the Pussy invasion. The drunk bitch had obviously been slipped a ruffie. All I could get out of her was..."Pussies? The more the merrier! Let them on the bus~"

Let's just say that the pussies are out of control and, the Royal vet says they have eaten a good portion of our best stash.

Personally? I think the Pussy Patrol is up to something more sinister than eating out premium pot. I've seen some pretty suspicious and disturbing things the past couple days...

Now, I may or may not be a touch paranoid from all of the Mary Jane we've consumed on this road trip. However, I'm beginning to I think the little pussies are either planning a coupe, or they are some kind of invasion of the Body snatcher-ET phone home motherfuckers, and they are training to take over the Royal family.

What say you, Internet?


  1. Fuck, I'm really taking a beating on the whole name spelling thing. I'm totally going to rock your socks off to make up for it.

    Speaking of makeup, that pussy did a fine job of imitating me.

  2. Ariana, no need to make up for it. lol It's allll good.

  3. ROFL!!!! Go smoke a dube lol! ~waves from Vancouver, BC~ sounds like you guys are having a great time :D