A Bathtub, Some Wine, and a Funeral

Ok kids, this has been a busy week for your Dutchess, and with a member of my real life family kicking the bucket, it looks like it just got longer.

I need to prepare for the impending avalanche of carnies and circus performers, that make up my family tree, and I can think of no better way than heading to the bathtub with my box of wine.  Without further adieu, or spilling of wine, I give you...

"Proof that a box of wine contains more philosophy than all the books in the fucking world."

I want to address The bitch with cunt blisters:

First?  BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...  Someone apparently cracked open a bottle of Bitch Be Gone.

Second?  Apparently, you forgot exactly who you were dealing with.  Let me reintroduce myself...Hi I'm Chief-slap-a-bitch from the sock-a-hoe tribe, ANY QUESTIONS?! 

Silly bitch, tricks are for hookers...OUR hookers. That is all I have to say about that,

Yesterday, while cooking a gourmet meal in the microwave, (FUCK YOU!  The box said it was gourmet), I heard the Mission Impossible theme in my head, and decided to hit the stop button on the microwave just as it got to :01.  made me feel like a bomb specialist.

Wouldn't it be cool if breast implants came with squeaky toys inside!!

With the Iowa caucus going on, I can hardly stand watching the news.  Every damn story seems to be about the impending election.  However, I also noticed something else.  It seems 90% of the damn commercials are about Viagra and Cialis. Election, erection, election, erection. I've decided either way, we're still fucking screwed!

NOTE TO SELF:  Napkins used after eating hot wings and then shoved in your damn pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you've had to drink.

I think it's time to eat better, and maybe even loose a little weight.  I asked my body if it wanted to work out today and it told me, "Listen here fatty bitch, do it and die." 

I decided to grab a bite to eat and I ordered a salad at Mickey D's.  Does anyone else think that going to McDonald's and asking for a salad is a lot like going to a whore house and asking for a hug? I'm just sayin'

Tomorrow I will attend a funeral for my Uncle Al.  Family functions will never be the same.  At the last family funeral, our midget 2nd cousin (Leroy) brought a ukulele and serenaded my dead Great Aunt. That is a true story, jokers. 

At the end of the song medley, Leroy said, something about when one door closes...., and before he could finish, my Uncle Al said, "it's because I slammed that mother fucker shut!" I'm going to miss him.

See??  Insanity doesn't run in my family...it wanders in slowly greeting each person with a smile and a goddamn cookie.

And on that note, and the fact that I've shaved my legs and it looks like a goddamn Yeti was swimming in the tub, it is time to close this session of Drunken Bathtub Reflections.

If you need me, I'll be standing in the front yard like a flamingo wearing pink tights and a tutu waiting for Google Earth to come by and take my picture..

See you next time assholes,