Thursday, January 5, 2012

A Bathtub, Some Wine, and a Funeral

Ok kids, this has been a busy week for your Dutchess, and with a member of my real life family kicking the bucket, it looks like it just got longer.

I need to prepare for the impending avalanche of carnies and circus performers, that make up my family tree, and I can think of no better way than heading to the bathtub with my box of wine.  Without further adieu, or spilling of wine, I give you...
"Proof that a box of wine contains more philosophy than all the books in the fucking world."

I want to address The bitch with cunt blisters:

First?  BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...  Someone apparently cracked open a bottle of Bitch Be Gone.

Second?  Apparently, you forgot exactly who you were dealing with.  Let me reintroduce myself...Hi I'm Chief-slap-a-bitch from the sock-a-hoe tribe, ANY QUESTIONS?! 

Silly bitch, tricks are for hookers...OUR hookers. That is all I have to say about that,

Yesterday, while cooking a gourmet meal in the microwave, (FUCK YOU!  The box said it was gourmet), I heard the Mission Impossible theme in my head, and decided to hit the stop button on the microwave just as it got to :01.  made me feel like a bomb specialist.

Wouldn't it be cool if breast implants came with squeaky toys inside!!

With the Iowa caucus going on, I can hardly stand watching the news.  Every damn story seems to be about the impending election.  However, I also noticed something else.  It seems 90% of the damn commercials are about Viagra and Cialis. Election, erection, election, erection. I've decided either way, we're still fucking screwed!

NOTE TO SELF:  Napkins used after eating hot wings and then shoved in your damn pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you've had to drink.

I think it's time to eat better, and maybe even loose a little weight.  I asked my body if it wanted to work out today and it told me, "Listen here fatty bitch, do it and die." 

I decided to grab a bite to eat and I ordered a salad at Mickey D's.  Does anyone else think that going to McDonald's and asking for a salad is a lot like going to a whore house and asking for a hug? I'm just sayin'

Tomorrow I will attend a funeral for my Uncle Al.  Family functions will never be the same.  At the last family funeral, our midget 2nd cousin (Leroy) brought a ukulele and serenaded my dead Great Aunt. That is a true story, jokers. 

At the end of the song medley, Leroy said, something about when one door closes...., and before he could finish, my Uncle Al said, "it's because I slammed that mother fucker shut!" I'm going to miss him.

See??  Insanity doesn't run in my wanders in slowly greeting each person with a smile and a goddamn cookie.

And on that note, and the fact that I've shaved my legs and it looks like a goddamn Yeti was swimming in the tub, it is time to close this session of Drunken Bathtub Reflections.

If you need me, I'll be standing in the front yard like a flamingo wearing pink tights and a tutu waiting for Google Earth to come by and take my picture..

See you next time assholes,


  1. Good god, who else would have thought to stop the microwave at .01 seconds. I'm thinking maybe you should surprise the family tomorrow with your ukulele. That would surprise the crap out of them. Or not. :)

  2. Chief-slap-a-bitch from the sock-a-hoe tribe OMG I burned the nose hairs out when I snort the gin through my nose.. geeez... where in god's name do you come up with this shit?? I swear, you save the very best wine for bathtub night..

  3. I asked my body if it wanted to work out today

    WTF Dutchess? Did you not read my post today?? I had it proved by a doctor that exercise it bad for you! Its evil and renders us incapacitated for days if not weeks!!

    Thats all I have to shout out about because the good drugs are kicking in from the doctor and my typing is getting messed up. LMAO

  4. Sister wife, my family of circus freaks probably wouldn't be surprised if I showed up riding a big wheel, wearing a pull-up, screaming "I'M A BIG KID NOW!"

    Queenie, interestingly enough, I was watching Celebrity Wife Swap the other day with Gart Busey on it. (fuck you, don't judge me) Anywhoo, he had some kind of Indian priest, and that was all it took to send my brain into over time....or maybe it was the wine.

    Amy, well fuck! I did not. But then again, I'm not sure my blog roll is up to date. My blog designer tends to drink a little. I'm sure she'll mosey back in here one day and update my links, put fancy map pages in and whatnot. Glad you are feeling better dear.

  5. I had a sober moment here at rehab so I updated your blog roll, fixed your damn awards and needless to say, need drugs!

  6. They let me have one hour on the computer so I'll do your maps and tabs later tonight. I banged a guard last night, so I get a little free time tonight when the rest of the guards are gettin em sum!