Once a week, in order to keep my head from popping smooth off, and spinning around screaming, "I WILL CUT THE NEXT FUCKING PERSON THAT BREATHES! ", every Sunday evening (okay, it's Tuesday, I've been busy, fuck you) I head up to the bathroom with my box of wine, fill up the tub with bubbles and my glass with wine. I then just get tanked and let my mind go, wander, get juiced up, and I write what it has to say, unedited. (you lucky shits! ALSO, you've been warned)
Yep! It IS fucking true! Justin Timberlake may be bringing back sexy, but today, I am bringing back...
"Proof that a box of wine contains more philosophy than all the books in the fucking world."
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then shoved in your damn pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you've had to drink, or how distracted you may be.
Wouldn't it be cool if breast implants came with squeaky toys inside!
I don't get fun size candy bars. It's way more fun to eat the big bars.
Ordering a salad from McDonalds is like going into a whore house and just asking for a hug. Order a fucking cheeseburger, asshole!
Milk has to be refrigerated or it goes bad, right? Why the fuck doesn't it go bad in the cow?
I finally watched the vampire movies, and there is something that bugs the hell out of me. If they can't see their own reflection, why the fuck is their fucking hair always perfect?
If you are bald, what do they put on your drivers license under hair color?
I bought some Himalayan organic salt from Whole Foods the other day. On the package, it says, "holistic, wholesome, unaltered, natural salt, that has crystallized in the Earth over millions of years". Well, when I opened it up, the bottom of the container said use by November, 2017.....WHEW! They dug that shit up just in the nick of time! WTF people, WTF!
I hate watching the news, anymore. Every damn story seems to be about Donald Trump, Hilary Clinton, Scott Walker and the other eleventy candidates and issues of the impending election. I also noticed something else. It seems 90% of the damn commercials are about Viagra, Levitra, Horny Goat Weed and Cialis. Hmmmm....Election, erection, election, erection. I've decided either way, we're still fucking screwed!
Speaking of being screwed, I seriously need to do some maintenance down there. Maintenance?! Who the fuck am I kidding, my snatch looks like a fucking Velcro factory set up shop down there. Well, I'm too tanked to do that tonight, Drunk, Scissors and the pleasure taco do not make a good threesome. Just sayin'