Saturday, July 18, 2015

Summer Is Harsh, Baby

Where have I been since late Monday evening?  Well, pull up a chair kids, I have a cautionary tale for you.  You might just learn something, or not, but what the hell else do you have to do?  Not a damn thing, since you are here reading me, so, sit the hell down!

Anyway, the great bathing suit/exercise debacle of the PREVIOUS POST was followed by a ride on the Emotionally Menopausal Rollercoaster Of Shame. 

The sweaty trauma train cruised through The Hopeless Tunnel of Youth, across Super Bitch Boulevard, up Hormone Hill, and ultimately stopped at Three Day Bender Station, in the city of Crocked. (Also known as my back yard) 

I put on my best mu-mu, grabbed a cooler full of Corona, a vat of Pirate Rum Punch, and a couple of Willie's smoke-em-if-ya-got-em special cigs.  I carefully plopped onto the new raft in the pool, and proceeded to drift, drink and mourn the loss of my once, greatest asset..., my ample, perky bosom. 

Ok, ok, these babies have always been large and not exactly perky, but in my heyday, I never had a shortage of, onenightstands, suitors, wanting to juggle my giant pleasure orbs. 

Fast forward to the great bathing suit debacle of 2015, and all of a sudden, my 'effin' tits have taken a fucking dive, and my godamn nipples now face due South!  Also, the awesome new udder like shape my breasts have morphed into, could be mistaken for motherfucking bellybutton ears.  Traitorous assholes!

It all gets a bit fuzzy after that because of the ugly crying, the buzz from the cigs, and imbibing until I was ha-aaaamm-ered. 

passed out, fell asleep, at noon, floating around the pool, in my mu-mu, on a raft.  Five hours later, I wake up and realize that my lovely, generously, free flowing cover up is bunched up between my damn shoulders and neck and there I am, floating around in all of my flubberous glory .

My lucky neighbors got an extended peep show from hell, with bonus snoring, (and maybe farting, whatever, don't judge me!), included. Fan-fucking-tastic!  The Home Owner's Association aught to love this one.

Note to self:  Send booze, fruit baskets and cookies to all neighbors.

Best of all, however, are my southern-pointing bellybutton ears.  They are fire engine red, have changed their name and are trying to get into the witness protection program.

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2 comments:

  1. I have tears running down my leg. OMG Sis, you do spin a web. I'd of just typed.. bitches, I got drunk in the pool and burned by taa taas.. no.. you make it a awesome, peeing my pants,, blog post.. I love you

    ReplyDelete
  2. and I love you too! my udder-boobies, however, are not amused. Whatever!

    ReplyDelete

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