Sunday, August 15, 2010

Back By Popular Demand


It's that time again, you lucky bastards. I've decided that it is Drunken Bathtub Reflections Night. Now, if you want to play along, help yourself.

(Thank you Queenie for the awesome button type thing.)

I wonder if crop circles come in any other shape. What if I were abducted by an alien in a crop circle? What would the alien do when he saw my ginormous tits? He would probably think all earthling girls had huge fucking boobs. Then he'd run around all excited screaming "Phone Home!!! Phone Home!"

Cock juggling thunder cunt, with a fist full of fucked up. Bwahahahahaha. I have GOT to figure out how to fit that into everyday conversation.

I love the bathtub. I love chocolate. What if I filled the bathtub up with chocolate...with peanut M&M's. Then I could drown myself in chocolate. With my luck, I'd jam an M&M up my ass, and have to go to the fucking emergency room. "Um, excuse me, I've got a piece of candy lodged in my ass. Can you help me?" How the hell would I explain that to my goddamn insurance company?

Gangsta Rap...Really? I bet those gangsta rappers aren't shit. Hell, my 77-year-old great Uncle swears talks in rhymes and wears pants that are three fucking sizes too big, too. Asshats

That stupid ass Viagra commercial makes no sense. You know, the one where they are in two separate bathtubs and holding hands? Umm...don't you have to be in the same fucking bathtub to have sex?

The Duke's friend bought his fiance a $12,000 engagement ring. I don't know why he acted all goddamn offended when I ask if her vagina dispensed NFL season tickets and ice-cold six packs.
Dude needs a sense of humor, He should go buy one. Oh, wait! He can't! He just spent $12,000 on a motherfucking ring!

Cheap wine has become my bathtub drink of choice. Holy fuck, I have become my Mother.

We were at the county fair last week. They don't have ATM's so my mom borrowed some money from me. I'm going to start calling her every hour shouting, "Where be my money, beeyotch?! Don't make a nigga come bust a cap in yo' ass!"

I think I will then call her and tell her I've decided to leave the Duke and practice the old lickety split. That ought to drive her right over the fucking edge. HA!


15 comments:

  1. Oh my you're bathtub ranting is fucking hilarious. 12 grand on a ring......fuck I blew 14 on my ex's engagement ring and the only thing she dispensed was pain and misery

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  2. OMFG! I love this shit!
    $12,000 on a ring? That is almost as much as my car! Hey, cheap wine is good to drink! Then you can save up the money for the better whiskey!

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  3. You have outdone yourself on this weeks. Emergency room visit. loved it.

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  4. Who are you kidding bitch. We worked the corners before we suckered those nieces into taking over.. M @ M up your ass isn't the worse thing that's ever happened to you.. remember you spent the night in jail with Big Bertha...

    This shit kills me... I hate to play cause nothing can be as funny as this shit..

    Heart your skanky face sista..

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  5. That thing you wanted to work into a conversation? Yeah, that one. Well you could refer to me as such and that I am dealing with a fist full of fucked-up.

    An aside to Wolf, "Would you consider being my 4th husband?" It's about the ring baby!

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  6. No Dear, for 12 large she better drop more'n 6-packs from her tater. Something like 12-packs, fried yard bird, a sub sammich with all the fixens and gold damn eggs from a couple inches south of there!

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  7. 12 grand on a ring! She better give daily BJ's. You make me wanna call my momma and frek the shit out of her. THANKS!
    Think I'll go get drunk in the tub instead.

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  8. @ Middle Child sorry I made that mistake once already. My future ex wife will be lucky to get a twist tie let alone a ring. Unless she's Lucy Liu, I would kill for that woman

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  9. I laughed out loud at all of these and my teenage daughter is looking at me like I have missed a dose. "Cock juggling thunder cunt, with a fist full of fucked up" <<I think you are referring to the heifer I encountered last night!

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  10. Wolf, darling, 14 grand? She must have been a hot piece of ass before you put that kind of rock on her finger. I think you need cheap wine and a bathtub.

    Amy J, $12,000, crazy shit.

    Thank you Dazee. My mind can be a fucking scary place, yo.

    Sis, that night with BB STILL traumatizes me. I heart your face too, bitch

    Middle child you will now be known as Cock juggling thunder cunt...bwahahahaha still cracks me the fuck up.

    Sage honey, if your woman starts dropping golden eggs, sammiches, and fried birds, you may be dating a vending machine.

    MissC, Do it! Matter of fact, get drunk in the bathtub and then call your Mom and freak her out.

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  11. Donda, it's good for our children to think we are a bit unhinged. Especially teenage children.

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  12. Auntie Dutchess!!!

    I fucking LOVE you skanky, slutty bitch ass with your ginormous alien inhabited tits!!!!

    You have GOT to keep doing this! IT. IS. A. MUST. The Princess is making me gag on Oreos, you're making my overly abused lungs hurt from laughing so fucking hard... I don't even want to KNOW what the Queen has in store for me!

    I'm actually quite surprised I haven't been hog-tied and thrown to the crocs for the crime of being away too long!

    If you are going to keep doing your bathtub confessions... I'll make you a WHORE-IFIC button... NOT that I don't LOOOVE the Queen's... Fuuuuck, that bitch is so going to dock my take!

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  13. Niece Skankypants, Your lungs needed a good workout. It'll help to expand then so you can smoke more. You haven't been hog-tied because you are a moneymaker and she's low on gin. Plus, the goddamn crocks a full as she has been busy feeding scum landlords and liars of the trust to them. We missed you bitch. I would love a whore-ific button made by you. I heart your face.

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  14. You really have got to keep doing this! It is hilarious! I loved the crop circles one, and the 12k ring, shit who am I kidding I loved all of them! HAHA.

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