She digs that I'm bat shit crazy. This bitch LOVES me. Thanks Miss C, I fucking heart your whore face.
Now, should I tell her that the real reason my blog is hot is because of the ridiculous number of menopausal goddamn hot flashes I have throughout the day? Pfffft.
It is also time for...
I love my beer....and cupcakes...and tequila and ...well anyway...
In order to keep this fat ass under 2500 lbs, I had to do something. I decided to start exercising regularly. YES I SO FUCKING DID! Shut-UP! I hear you laughing assbags!
So, I hired a trainer, I call her Barbie the Bitchy Torturer,(because she is as tiny as Dr. Ruth, has a body like Barbie, (without the ginormous tits), natural blond hair Britney Spears would kill for and a cutesy southern accent!!!
Three minutes into my first workout, I immediately decide I hate this fucking exercise shit! Really. Really. HATE. This. Shit.
Bitchy barbie says, "Oh Dutchess, I thought this may be too hard for you. Women your age that are um...out of shape...usually sign up for the water movement classes. I could show you...
Did she just say...OH HELL NO BARBIE!!!! I am going to take this little Barbie Bitch and snap her like a goddamn pencil over my motherfucking knee. Then I remember the terms of my parole. FUCK, no breaking Barbie Bitches.
However, I'm not a quitter. I'm a tough old broad and I am definitely not giving up my goddamn nightly Coronas. I had to figure this out and perhaps there will be an added bonus of driving Barbie Bitch stark raving mad. At the very least, I will crush her little Barbie spirit under the sole of my Nike cross trainers.
I had to find a way that I could actually enjoy this exer-hell bullshit. I thought, "Well DUH! I love Corona, it makes me happy, I think I will have 1 or 3 before my scheduled work out time. (WHAT?!! Can I help it if they are like those goddamn potato chips, you can't eat just one!)
Fuck me,! That was not a good idea at all. Ice cold Coronas taste like the nectar of the fucking gods...until it starts to slosh around on your damn belly while you run on the treadmill, sweat balls on the elliptical, and a do some assinine medicine ball shit. Let's just say that, sadly, drinking is not an option before the gym.
Through trial and error, I found that those wonderful naturally grown wacky weeds were the solution to my problem. A little smokey tokie before my goddamn torture sessions, and presto! Exer-hell isn't too bad.
Then came today. See, there is a new raquette ball court at the gym where I meet my Barbie twice a week. Barbie the Bitchy Torturer decided that playing a game of raquette ball would be a good cardio workout and shake up our normal routine. I, being a bit influenced by a funny cigarette said, "Shhhyea!!! I'm in Barbie Bitch!"
Let's just say that 20 minutes later I was on the floor in a motherfucking fetal position. Barbie the Bitchy torturer smiles and says, "Well, I guess we are done for today, huh?".
I say, "yes, and I only lost because I didn't have on the right bra. My boobs were not properly restrained."
She says, "Not restrained properly?"
"I look at her and sneer, "Have you ever tried to pack two G cups into a fucking super support sports bra? I need a goddamn hydraulic winch and a team of power-lifting Oompa fucking Loompas, and today is a goddamn Oompa Loompa holiday."
"Now, help me up, I think I broke my fucking spleen."