She digs that I'm bat shit crazy. This bitch LOVES me. Thanks Miss C, I fucking heart your whore face.
Now, should I tell her that the real reason my blog is hot is because of the ridiculous number of menopausal goddamn hot flashes I have throughout the day? Pfffft.
It is also time for...
I love my beer....and cupcakes...and tequila and ...well anyway...
In order to keep this fat ass under 2500 lbs, I had to do something. I decided to start exercising regularly. YES I SO FUCKING DID! Shut-UP! I hear you laughing assbags!
So, I hired a trainer, I call her Barbie the Bitchy Torturer,(because she is as tiny as Dr. Ruth, has a body like Barbie, (without the ginormous tits), natural blond hair Britney Spears would kill for and a cutesy southern accent!!!
Three minutes into my first workout, I immediately decide I hate this fucking exercise shit! Really. Really. HATE. This. Shit.
Bitchy barbie says, "Oh Dutchess, I thought this may be too hard for you. Women your age that are um...out of shape...usually sign up for the water movement classes. I could show you...
Did she just say...OH HELL NO BARBIE!!!! I am going to take this little Barbie Bitch and snap her like a goddamn pencil over my motherfucking knee. Then I remember the terms of my parole. FUCK, no breaking Barbie Bitches.
However, I'm not a quitter. I'm a tough old broad and I am definitely not giving up my goddamn nightly Coronas. I had to figure this out and perhaps there will be an added bonus of driving Barbie Bitch stark raving mad. At the very least, I will crush her little Barbie spirit under the sole of my Nike cross trainers.
I had to find a way that I could actually enjoy this exer-hell bullshit. I thought, "Well DUH! I love Corona, it makes me happy, I think I will have 1 or 3 before my scheduled work out time. (WHAT?!! Can I help it if they are like those goddamn potato chips, you can't eat just one!)
Fuck me,! That was not a good idea at all. Ice cold Coronas taste like the nectar of the fucking gods...until it starts to slosh around on your damn belly while you run on the treadmill, sweat balls on the elliptical, and a do some assinine medicine ball shit. Let's just say that, sadly, drinking is not an option before the gym.
Through trial and error, I found that those wonderful naturally grown wacky weeds were the solution to my problem. A little smokey tokie before my goddamn torture sessions, and presto! Exer-hell isn't too bad.
Then came today. See, there is a new raquette ball court at the gym where I meet my Barbie twice a week. Barbie the Bitchy Torturer decided that playing a game of raquette ball would be a good cardio workout and shake up our normal routine. I, being a bit influenced by a funny cigarette said, "Shhhyea!!! I'm in Barbie Bitch!"
Let's just say that 20 minutes later I was on the floor in a motherfucking fetal position. Barbie the Bitchy torturer smiles and says, "Well, I guess we are done for today, huh?".
I say, "yes, and I only lost because I didn't have on the right bra. My boobs were not properly restrained."
She says, "Not restrained properly?"
"I look at her and sneer, "Have you ever tried to pack two G cups into a fucking super support sports bra? I need a goddamn hydraulic winch and a team of power-lifting Oompa fucking Loompas, and today is a goddamn Oompa Loompa holiday."
"Now, help me up, I think I broke my fucking spleen."
Bahahahaaha I almost piddled myself! And I am not sure if this is so legal or not but I used to rip my Barbie's legs off. Just a thought.
ReplyDeleteI say you should buy a bunch of Barbies and name them all Barbie the Bitchy Torturer. Then while you are letting Bitchy put you through the routines, remember that when you get home, you can have as many coronas as it takes (along with your health supplement of weed) and "play" with your barbie the bitch dolls doing all kinds of unimaginable shit to them. I only suggest this because if you tear the head off the human bitch, you'll go to jail and who will work your corner?
ReplyDeleteMaybe you're blog is hot cause it's such a workout to laugh this much when I read your blog?
ReplyDeleteSeriously give me a dam fan! SO glad you liked your award. I kept thinking about the dam Spider/Streaking post and couldn't resist!
I have solved the exercise/drinking problem. I bought a workout bike, I put it in front of the TV and I drink while I ride. I have strong fuckin legs! lol Next time offer Barbie a toke! That outa be funny as hell!
Heart your face hooker!
I'm thinking about hiring a trainer, but I'll pass on Big-boobed Barbie. I'm thinking a second-rate, slovenly, hairy guy will do the trick - you know, that one trainer you see at the gym drinking a 700 calorie latte while his poor client is sweatin' their ass off.
ReplyDeleteLMAO! Nothing like a Barbie to motivate us all to get off our butts. Show that wench that you're going to accomplish the goal!
ReplyDeleteThis is why I always say that exercise is the Devils work. God blessed us with junk food, so the devil had to come up with something too! Voila! He thought of exercise to torture us!
ReplyDeleteBarbie is just one of his demons on earth to make you feel bad about that alcohol gut. I wear mine proudly though!
God damn, you are funny! We have a lot in common. I started running 20 yrs. ago just so I could have my daily six pack (or is that eight pack) of beer and not weigh 300 lbs.
ReplyDeleteAnd a fine thought that is Donda.
ReplyDeleteMiddle child, I think matel stock just may rise soon. I', going to buy a bunch of Barbies. muahahahaha
Miss C. I have a story about an exercise bike. Coming soon to a blog near you.
kj, HAHAHAHAHAHA! OMFG that is too goddamn funny. I should have hire a trainer like that.
Wolfie, I couldn't be in the Army, they frown upon bringing friends like Jim Beam with you to boot camp. And if Jim's not allowed, I'm not going. However, I think Barbie is your type.
Epiphany, I'd like to show her the bottom of my shoe, but...
Amy J, I think Barbie IS a demon. Know where I can get some holy water? I would get some here, however, I've been banned from the local Catholic Church.
Thanks Mike, you are pretty goddamn funny yourself. Why yes, we do seem to have a lot in common.
Sage, I tried that for a while, but when I went out, circus monkeys would mistake me for the Big Top and try running up my fucking dress.
Hey,here's a thought... let's get Barbie to work that street corner that none of our girls will touch. Then you and I can drink... watch everyone exercise... and hope we get in shape..
ReplyDeleteIt's just a thought..
Hey Dutch.. you've been quoted.. I just stumbled across it.. go get your badge.
ReplyDeletehttp://qoddessquotesblogs.blogspot.com/2010/07/quotes-july-22-2010.html