Thursday, August 12, 2010

Why Yes, I Did Swear At My Children

All of my kids were here last night. My oldest daughter (Blondie) has been living on her own for 4 1/2 years, and Prissy lives at college and is only home for summer.

It has been hot as fuck, so at the end of the night, I suggested to Blondie, that she stay here where we have central air. She lives in an upstairs apartment with a tiny window unit air conditioner and her apartment is so goddamn hot that I'm pretty sure it is the ninth portal to hell. Her son, the Lord of Destruction, was staying at his Dad's house, so she has no real reason to go home.

I said, "It will be great to have and all three of my children under one roof again". At this point, the Duke shoots me a look of horror and is vigorously shaking his head and flashing NO in sign language,

But, I miss my kids being home together, so I ignored him. As a familym we played Wii, made cookies, played Trivial Persuit, and I had a few drinks. I thought to myself, "Well, isn't this nice, all of my little crotch parasites are home".

I woke up this morning and the sun was shining, it's warm, sunny and there is a crystal clear blue sky. The birds are chirping, but today is a great day and, I don't have the urge to shoot the fucking things.

I decide to take my first cup of coffee and enjoy it in the out of doors. There I am, basking in the peace and quiet on the back, outside deck, in the sunshine. I'm relaxed and taking in the sweet smell of marijuana summer. I can even hear the soft waves lapping at the shore of Lake Michigan.
Total BLISS........breathing in and out......

Then...motherfucking reality hits...

MOM?!!! MOOOOOOOM?!!! MMMMMMOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!


Me: For fuck sake! I'm out on the deck, please stop yelling!
Prissy: Did you wash my uniform for work?
Me: good morning to you too and uh...no.
Prissy: WELL GREAT!!! Now I have to wear a dirty shirt.
Me: Well, you didn't work yesterday, did you know you were out of uniforms?
Prissy: ummm, I guess so...but

Spawn of Satan: Mom??? MOOOM???!!! MA!!! WHERE ARE YOU?
Prissy: OUT ON THE DECK!!!
Me: to Prissy, look, if you knew....
SoS: Mornin' Momma. I'm starving and last night you promised you'd make pancakes for breakfast?
(goddamn Jim Beam took over my mouth last night)
Prissy: DO YOU MIND! I'm talking to Mom and it's important and If I'm late for work, it's all your fault!!!!!
Sos: OKAYYYY..I'm glad you are so important around here....
Blondie: Mom! MOMMM!!!

Me, Prissy & SoS: OUT ON THE DECK!!!
Prissy: Well fine, I'll have to go to work in a dirty shirt and if I get sent home it's not my fault!
SoS: mom, mom, mom, mom, breakfast is important and...
Me to Prissy:, Watch that goddamn smart mouth
Me to SoS: Mind your damn manors, I'm talking with your sister, and you will have to wait your turn. Have a bowl of goddamn cereal if you can not wait for me to make pancakes.

Blondie: (talking 100 miles a minute) MOM! There you are! Thanks for letting me stay last night. Are you making pancakes? I have to be to work pretty soon and have to go home and change first. OH! do you think you could watch the Lord of Destruction? I go want to the movies with Sarah and Samantha, and I think we will go out after that and I'm not sure what time I will drop him off, but I was thinking 6ish. Oh yea, I have to work Friday, so I can't pick him up, but I told LoD's Dad that you would probably drop him off. I think his new damn girlfriend is a piece of shit, but he said she isn't there when the LoD. I don't know what he sees in that skanky ho...

My ears are fucking hurting by now.

Me to Blondie:, ok, wait a fucking minute, I'm talking to your sister, then your brother wants me for a minute, and then we will discuss your problem, ok?
Blondie: Jeeze, how rude
Spawn of Satan: About breakfast, mom there is no milk, and how am I....
Prissy: No one listens to me, and I'm going to be late for work...
Blondie: Oh here we go with the drama queen
Prissy: Drama queen?? You're the one with the crown!
SoS: Ooooh, sister fight, aw some....

Me: OK!!!!! E-N-O-U-G-H-!!!!! SHUT YOUR GODDAMN PIEHOLES!!! YOU HEARD ME, NOT ANOTHER FUCKING WORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FOR FUCK SAKE PEOPLE!!!!! WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE???!!! WHEN DID YOU ALL TURN INTO A BUNCH OF WHINY, DEMANDING, RUDE ASSHOLES???!!!! I RAISED YOUR ASSES BETTER !!!!!!!

CONTRARY TO POPULAR FUCKING BELIEF, I DO NOT ENJOY BEING SHOUTED AT BEFORE 8 AM! I AM NOT A MAID, NOR A BABYSITTER AND THIS IS NOT A GODDAMN RESTURANT!!!!!! YOU ALL KNOW THAT I'M NOT GOOD BEFORE THE FIRST CUP OF COFFEE UNLESS YOU ARE HURT, DYING, OR BLEEDING!!!!!!!!

GO MAKE YOUR DAMN BEDS AND BRUSH YOUR TEETH OR WHATEVER! WHEN I AM READY, I WILL CALL YOU IN TO HAVE YOUR TURN -A-S-K-I-N-G- ME -N-I-C-E-L-Y- IN AN APPROPRIATE FUCKING TONE OF VOICE, YOUR QUESTIONS, CONCERNS, OR PROBLEMS!!!!!! END OF MOTHERFUCKING STORY!!!!!!!!

All Three: Sorry Mom. Sorry Mom. Sorry. but can i just ask...............

Me: OOOOOOUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!

The Duke, who has finally graced us with his goddamn presence, says to kids as they return to kitchen inside: Hey, what's all the yelling about?

Blondie: Christ, Dad, look out, Mom is in a baaaad mood!

The Duke then comes outside, sets a bottle of Kahlua down on the patio table and says, "I fucking TRIED to warn you."

Next time I long for the past, someone fucking bitch slap me !

**Look, asshole that sent me hate mail over swearing at my kids. First of all, my kids are 22, 19, and almost 16, they can probably handle it. Second? FUCK YOU ASSHAT. Don't like whay I say or what I do? Then click the goddamn next button and get the hell out of here.****

9 comments:

  1. Isn't quality time great!!! Crotch parasites...I call my kids the crumbs but they just got a new name! :)

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  2. Damn baby, sounds like you are raising you some Democrats!

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  3. Donda, quality time is great....if I have a 5th of vodka.

    Sage, SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH!!! My youngest (the Spawn of Satan) is almost 16. Public school pushed "Obama Power" on our kids before and after the election. SoS came home from school with an Obamba shirt he made in art class. We had a hell of a fire in the fireplace that night.

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  4. I hope the Duke got some head for bringing in the Kahlua. Maybe my standards are low but to me that sounds BJ worthy!

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  5. Oh.. please please please,,,, post the hate mail.. I love hate mail...

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  6. You are sooooo funny! It must be nice to be needed.

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  7. Hey Ho I gave you an award.
    http://lunaticwhimsy.blogspot.com/2010/08/all-i-want-for-my-bday-is-you.html

    ReplyDelete

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