Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Cell Hell

I have a problem with my, and in general ALL cell phone providers. In all fairness, I do live right on the shore of Lake Michigan, and I get that there are no cell towers or what the fuck ever, out there, and that interupts my service.

It seems that no matter which douchey service I have had, "I just can’t hear them bastards now".

You know that fucking map they they show you about their cell phone coverage areas?

Well, I’m that one little spot on the map that has no goddamn coverage.

Only my little white spot? Seems to follow me wherever I fucking go.

Yeah… I know… I'm sure you all have a great cell provider that is all rainbows and fucking unicorns. I'm sure your customer service people are nothing short of Mother fucking Teresa. Mine? Not so much. I also think mine is connected to organized crime.

I'm pretty sure the Mafia has something to do with my current cell phone company because I have to pay 200 goddamn dollars to get out my “contract.”

I tried to switch cell phone providers again yesterday.

I got to talk to “Kimmie” at the cell phone sales booth.

Kimmie was the sales rep at this little store from hell whose sole purpose in life was to make me feel like an goddamn idiot.

I had to wait for Kimmie to stop playing “Farmville” on her “phone” before she could help me.

Oh there was another young man there; his name badge said “Vance”. Vance wasn’t allowed to talk to customers yet. He wasn’t properly trained in filling out the “contract.” So Vance just stood there waiting for Kimmie to harvest the fucking crops in her phone.

When Kimmie finished playing. the first words out of her idiot mouth were,

“What’s up?”

After rolling my eyes, I said “I’d like to switch my cell phone service.”


(Why? WHY?)

“My coverage sucks serious ass.”

Vance decided to chime in, “That’s great Mam, we have many different plans but you look like our basic 450 minute plan to me.”

(I look like a 450 minute plan? What the fuck does that mean? This asswipe doesn’t think I have anyone to talk to? People talk to me. There are a lot of people that want to get a hold of me dicklicker! People call me all the time! I call people all the time. People like talking to me. I could talk for well over 450 goddamn minutes.

You are a douche, pull up your motherfucking pants, go back to college and get real job. This ass probably smokes dope and sleeps on a futon with his Wii....or maybe that's me. meh)

“Just give me the 450 minutes plan. If I have to spend anymore time than is absoulutly necessary, I may have to jam this phone down your throat.”

“So have you looked at the different phones we have available?”

“I’d like a pink one.”

“That’s our WMD9800. It comes with Bluetooth, MP3, Video and Text messaging, Mobile Web 4G, e-mail, a camcorder and a 5.0 mega pixel digital camera.”

“Um...I would like a phone that makes phone calls, does it make motherfucking phone calls?”

“Um… I think so…”

“How much is the pink one?”

“$449.00 with the discount for a two year contract.”

“What. The. Hell....How fucking much?”

“That phone is $549.00”

“$549.00? I better get a free picture of Matthew McConaughey before he did that "I don't wear deoderant, and stink like a goddamn pig" shit because that? Totally ruined a fantasy of mine.

“That’s a different wireless service Mam.”

How much for a phone that’s just a simple fucking phone?”

“We don’t have any phones that are just phones.”

“Look I don’t need MP tooth or camera mail or the Avatar movie downloaded into my ficking phone. I don't need any of that fucking shit. I just want a goddamn phone that actually works.”

“Well they don’t make plain phones anymore you have to get one that has something on it.”

“That’s motherfucking ridiculous. What’s the least expensive phone you have?”

“I can probably get two cans and a real long piece of string for you Mam.”

I think these fuckers have a death wish. Hpwever, jail ruins my buzz, so I just saod "Just show me the cheapest gooddamn phone.”

"Okay Mam, here’s the BFD8190. It’s $50 but then you get to send in a rebate and you get your $50 back. So it’s like a free phone.”

“Why can’t I just get the goddamn phone for free then? That way I don't have to worry about the mail, time consumed and all of the other fucking obsracles one must hurdle to get the rebate.”

“Cause that’s not how it works Mam.”

“But that’s fucking stupid. You are selling me a phone for $50. That’s not a free phone.”

“I said it was “like” a free phone.”

“Hey numbnuts, the numbers on this phone are “like” too small; I can’t dial without hitting two numbers at the same time.”

“Well I can upgrade the phone if you sign a longer contract and then you can have this phone for $149.99”

“Is there a rebate?”

“Yes Mam”

“How much is the phone before the rebate?”


“So I send in the retarded rebate form and get $200 back.”

“Yes Mam.”

“How long does it take to get my fucking rebate?”

“Six to eight weeks.”

“What if I sign up, get the phone, and find out I don’t get service in my area?”

“Have you looked at our service map? We cover almost the entire country. You can even get service in Alaska.”

“I’ll remember that if I ever want six months of motherfucking darkness. What’s this little white spot on the map here?”

“Oh that’s some chick that lives right on Lake Michigan. We’re trying to drive her insane by blocking out her signal wherever he goes.”

“Uh huh…. So if I don’t get service?”

“Well, you’ll be pleased to know you have up to fourteen days to cancel.”

“So if I cancel I get my $200 dollars back when I turn in the goddamn phone.”

“Um... no…”

“How long does it take to get my damn money back?”

“Six to eight weeks.”

“So it’s “like” I get my money back, but you guys just get to “like” use it for a while?”

“Well I guess it is kinda like that.”

“So how much are the fucking cans and the string?”

“I can give you those for free Mam.”

“Can I play Farmville on them?”

“I don’t think so Mam.”






Oh fuck me, I need a drink and a pencil. A pencil to jam in this asshole's neck, and a drink so the fuvking booking process goes calmly


  1. Oh yeah! I totally know the feeling! We live in a desert in the valley and there are towers all around, but do we get coverage here? HARDLY! I have more dropped calls faster than my boobs can sag. It is pathetic!

    I mentioned you in my post today! LMAO

  2. Yeah they fucking suck, ty living up here we only have like 5 providers and they all have to use the same network as the one big one becuase it controls all the cell towers, bandwidth and all that other shit. It makes me want to kill

  3. Our house has NO CELL SERVICE! Yes, you have followers who are being discriminated against just like you are. But unlike you, we have a few tricks... If you stand on the 12th flagstone (it's dark gray, and shaped like a kidney - you can't miss it) on our front walkway, and face south, you might get a call out, but for a clear call, you have to hike up our 500 foot driveway to the street. Our guests love us, and no I don't let them use the house phone. I'm not f-ing paying for some call to China!

    I thought about suing the sellers of the house, our agent, the mortgage company -- really, shouldn't this have been noted in the disclaimer?

  4. You are on the clock bitch.. you don't need to be talking on the damn phone anyway.. cover your damn street corner and shut the hell up..

    Heart your skank face...and yes.. I finally broke down and wrote out a check to a lawyer for our castle/whore house problem.. we need our money back.. but I hired a woman..cause men are just dickfucks...

  5. Cheers to that Lass.

    Amy J. lmao..thanks for mentioning little old me/

    Me too Wolf. I have a gun, I say we go all Bonnie & Clyde on thier asses

    KJ, yes, it should be in the damn disclaimer.

    Holy hell Bitch! I am the goddamn bartender. We CB to take over my corner. Your need for gin, and the sheer amount og what you need wore my crown jewel out a long time ago. I'm really pissed off about you having to hire a lawyer. That shit is just fucking WRONG. I heart your face too bitvh.

  6. Oh crap.. where was my mind.. I forgot we put CB on your street corner and promoted you to the bar... so get off the phone and fix me a drink bitch..

  7. And my twist on my cell phone providers add,...
    "NO bars in NO places!"

  8. I once asked the man at CellOne what he would do if I walked up to his big map sign and started putting big X's on it everywhere I didn't get service.

    He laughed and said, "Well this is just a general map based on where our towers are. There's going to be small dead zones from time to time."

    I nodded... walked over and pointed to a highway... "See this highway? It's 210 miles from here to here... I drive it roundtrip every 4 weeks. You have it all colored in this pretty 'we have service RED'... I'm telling you right now... you have service in 3 places! The other 207 miles is part of that 'small dead zone'!"

    He didn't have much to say to me after that. Just let me pay my bill and leave!