They say that 90% of all fatal accidents occur in the home. Usually because someone did something stupid.
They didn’t say anything about flesh wounds in a 5 star goddamn hotel in Vegas.
I don’t know what’s worse. Doing something stupid that causes injury to yourself or having to tell your spouse that you’re an idiot.
The first night in Vegas, I couldn’t sleep. I don’t think I was able to close my eyes for more than a damn minute. By the next morning I was beyong fucking tired.
However, when in Vegas, you just suck up the free cocktails, and keep moving. There are things to buy and shoes to see people! After a marathon shopping expedition, I decided to head back to the room, shower, and catch a cat nap before dinner and our Carrot Top plans.
You know how the sounds of the ocean, of the waves crashing against the shore can help you relax? You know how just the sound of raindrops can make you feel totally at ease and at peace with the world?
There’s something about water that’s just calming.
Apparently, it’s not a good idea to get that calming feeling when you’re in the shower.
That’s right people. I fell asleep while I was taking a goddamn shower.
It wouldn’t have been so bad if there had been perpetually hot running water.
But there wasn't.
When the hot water ran out….
I woke up.
In what only could be described as a “WAAAHAAAAT THHHHHEEEE FUUUUUUCK!!!” moment.
In that moment, your body is not connected to your brain. Because if it was it wouldn’t have jerked my fucking head back striking the tile causing me to momentarily go back to sleep.
Oh I woke up again. But not until I had dropped to my knees. My brain at this point was saying to my body, “HEY DUMB BITCH GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!!!!”
Using my mad NINJA reflexes, I jumped out of the shower. Well... I started to jump and then my brain remembered that I don’t do that shit.
So now I’m wet, cold, naked and wedged between the toilet and the sink which is the spot I fell into coming out of my reverse 2 ½ with 2 ½ twists in the pike position while holding my ankles… or something like that.
I believe it had a 4.9 degree of difficulty.
That’s what came out of my mouth a second before I realized I wasn’t okay. I don’t know why I said it. There was no one there to hear it accept me because the Duke was downstairs ganbling in the casino. Maybe I was trying to reassure myself that I had a shred of dignity left.
I felt the back of my head to make sure I wasn’t bleeding, saying out loud to myself, “I may have a concussion. Maybe I should go to the ER.”
Then the remainder of my stupid kicked in and I called the Duke on his cell phone. I needed the loving, caring, sympathetic ear of my soul mate.
“It’s not funny, assclown, I could have been killed.”
“That would have made a great episode of CSI, and since we are in Vegas, maybe I would get to meet that sexy Jorja Fox.” (hahaha…)
“Thanks babe, I fucking hate you.”
“Okay I’m done laughing. (hahahaha…) Are you bleeding?”
“What hurts? (hahaha…)
“Other than my pride? Everyfuckingthing.”
“Do you think you should go to the (hahahaha…) doctor?”
“You’re still laughing.”
“I’m just picturing you explaining this to the ER Doctor. HAHAHA!!! I’m sorry babe. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I can’t help myself.”
"Would it help if I told you I was limping?"
"In sickness and in health motherfucker, in sickness and in health."
"In sickness and in health maybe. But I don't remember anything about being stupid in our wedding vows."
"Ouch... Maybe we should renew them...with an Elvis impersonator in blue Suede Shoes"
I need a drink.
ALSO...there has been an apparent "Super Fuckstick" sighting over at the Queen's castle. I will have more on this tomorrow, but go check out the Queen's place. We have some troll ass to kick people.