Sunday, January 9, 2011

It's Like A goddamn Parade Around Here

Our once small, but mighty, Royal Population has been growing.

Actually, the mother fucker has exploded into what is quickly becoming a goddamn metropolis.

I swear, every time I look up, some new hooker, bodyguard, goddamn shoe organizer and others, are walking past me.

Do you know how unnerving that shit is for a drunken, pill-popping Dutchess who enjoys partaking in the reefer madness?

More than once, I thought the goddamn castle was being stormed by the fucking Po-Po. People I don't recognize wander around and into the secret kitchen where I hide out, play Farmville and get drunk make the special brownies. This is not good, godammit!

Twice this week, I have thrown perfectly good bags of weed to the goddamn gators, and once stuffed CB's new flamingo with Xanax trying to get rid of any evidence! Talk about one chilled out fucking bird!

But I digress...

It's like a fucking low budget parade with all of the high heels, black eye liner, fishnet stockings and teased hair traipsing around here. We won't even talk about what the girls are wearing!

Also? Don't even get me started on the fucking tanker truck of Super Hold hairspray that rolls up every other day. One mishap, and we are all going up in a goddamn mushroom cloud of Aqua Net, bitches!

I have nothing against a good parade. Hell, with a super boob lift, I might even qualify for the...nah, never mind. If I lifted these giant melons to pre-kid, Parade Princess position, my fucking nipples would end up near my goddamn earlobes where people would mistake them for goiters or some such shit.

All these people and fucking the noise is getting to me. We all know I need my Kenny time

Okay!! We all know I need my Kenny time, Corona, a little of the maryjane and Xanax... blah, blah, blah...

None of which I am getting, by the way, because the Dame has been laying low and I keep having to wrestle the motherfucking gators to get my weed back so I can bake the goddamn assload of brownies these people consume every-fucking-day!

I'm fucking exhausted!

Someone needs to take pity on an old saggy, stoned Dutchess. I need every one's new buttons added to this blog. I need someone in charge of taking notes for the day's events, now that the Queen is back at her day job. I am always missing shit that happens around this damn castle. I also need someone to make me a dior-fucking-rama so I know who the fuck all of these new people are!

If I have to jump into the gator pit one more time? It's gonna get ugly.



  2. I can do weekend cheat sheets!! And all you have to do is ask and I can get chompers to give you back your weed. He has been throwing those little plastic baggies up in a corner of the lagoon!

  3. I couldn't get past shoe organizer. I want a shoe organizer!

  4. I've been reading you and haven't been able to comment but you are the funniest fucking woman I know!! Every fucking posts has me doing a load of panties!