Thursday, December 29, 2011

Drunken Reflections From A Ship Bathtub

I can't stand this pigsty of a ship.  I know you all are hookers, but for fuck sake, have a little Royal Pride and pick up your goddamn wrappers.

Because they are all ruining my buzz, driving me crazy, I decided a long, drunken soak in the tub was in order.

I ordered a box of wine, lit fire to any and all swan towels I saw, filled up the stateroom's bathtub with hot water, and climbed on in.

That's right assholes, The Dutchess is about to give you a belated Christmas Present. 

It's the return of ...
"Proof that a box of wine contains more philosophy than all the books in the fucking world."

These hookers are on my last nerve.  That they are still on board and alive is proof that miracles do happen every day!! I didn't choke the stupid out of anyone today. See.. a fucking Miracle!

I had tacos for lunch today and since then, I've been wondering something. If southern women are called southern belles, should we call Mexican women taco bells?

Because we are on a Cruise, and I forgot to pack the weed whacker, I succumbed to a Brazilian wax yesterday.  Now? My goddamn pussy is so swollen it looks like I'm hiding Mick fucking Jagger inside of my twat, except there was no room for his fucking lips.  I'm going back to the "natural" look.  Fuck you.

OK, so if it's "tit for tat", what the hell is a tat? and do I really want to trade my tit for it??  My tits are huge, and it better be worth it.

After watching Toddlers and Tiaras, I wanted to ask the Mom of the little kid wearing too much make up if she got gang banged by a fucking Crayola box.

Shower heads are great, but what about a vibrating tampon?  It could make the "wrong time of the month", the right time of the month!!  Just sayin'

As we have previously established, my boobs are huge. My bras are the size of a goddamn party tent. 

Apparently, my bra also doubles as the Bermuda fucking Triangle. It collects random shit throughout the day, without me noticing.  Stripping for today's bathtub session, I found enough fucking food particles to feed a starving Ethiopian child for a day.  Fucking crunch tacos are my downfall.

Well, that's all the wisdom I'm imparting to you asshats today.

You can thank me by way of cash, grass, or rum, later.


  1. You crack me up when you post from the tub. Don't know about you, but I"m about ready to get this cruise over with. I"m worried what Dame is doing to my castle. Who the fuck's idea was it to leave her with a damn key?

    She lost the key to liquor cabinet, damn near drowned, and crawled on her hands and knees to a nearby beach to recover.. and she didn't lose the castle keys...

    Who knows what that hooker is going to have waiting when we get home.. LOL

  2. LMAO...a vibrating tampon would be great! We need to see if The Sir can make one for all of us.

    And see Queen...we won't say where I stashed that key to the castle while surviving a near drowning, but I do have my places of safety. How do you think I escaped the po-po so many times?

  3. I have truly missed drunken reflections from the tub.

    Oh, and a vibrating tampon would be fabulous. Even tho, I don't need them anymore. One good thing about age.

  4. Dear Dame... while this is a good idea..

    We need to see if The Sir can make one for all of us

    I would really prefer if he made each of us one.. I know where those hookers have been... No sharing....I saw the damn ship deck!