Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Dear Dutchess Volume 1-1

After drinking myself sober, eating my weight in brownies, and finishing season 4-6 of Grey's Anatomy on Netflix, I have decided to forgive you all for my birthday diss. 

Yeah, I'm generous and shit like that.  But just remember, I NEVER forget, and you all better step it the fuck up next year.
ANYWAY... A couple posts ago, I decided to do a new weekly thing called "ASK DUTCHESS". ( Yeah, I know it's been over a week, but fuck you, I was mourning my birthday diss.) 
The concept was pretty simple.  Got a problem, question, or just want to know how to achieve world domination?  Just shoot me an e-mail, and I will respond, in kind, right here at your favorite watering hole. Simple, right?
Well then, someone please tell me what the fucking hell is wrong with you people?  One e-mail? SERIOUSLY? REALLY? 
I waited, waited and waited for those e-mails to pour in.  I waited so long, I think you fuckers made me accidentally kill an innocent spammer.
Yesterday, after getting shitfaced waiting for your burning questions, I got a spam e-mail that caught my attention. This thing was so fucking stellar, I thought I'd share it with you. 
Upon first reading it, I thought it was your regular run on the mill, "I'll split my 80 million dollars with you, blah blah blah" spam that I receive every goddamn day. 
However, after reading it a couple times, my drunken decoder skills kicked in and I noticed there was an urgent message buried amongst the spam. Look here:
Dear Dutcjess,
HELP! I’m currently being held prisoner by the Russian mafia xyzrxyz [url=http://www.buypenisenlargement.com]penis enlargement[/url] xyzrxyz and being
forced to post spam comments on blogs and forum! If you don’t approve this they will
kill me. xyzrxyz [url=http://www.male-goat-sexual-positions.com]penis enlargement[/url]
xyzrxyz They’re coming back now. xyzrxyz [url=http://pills.buygoatpenisenlargement.com]
vimax[/url] xyzrxyz Please send help! nitip [url=http://www.male-sexual-asspain.com/vimax-pills.html]vimax[/url]
First of all, I thought the all-powerful Russian Mafia was more into drug and sex slave trafficking, weapon smuggling, racketeering, terrorism, prostitution, controlling the Russian president, and most importantly starring in Lady Gaga videos.
I had no fucking idea they were kidnapping innocent people off the streets and forcing them to send spam.
I can picture it in my head. There's a room full of shaking, quivering, nearly pissing themselves, innocent people sitting in front of computers in a long row.  You know, kind of like a tele-pain in my fucking ass-marketer setup.
There also are these big, burly men standing over them with shaved heads, rotting teeth, and swilling Russian vodka. They've got guns to these poor innocents' heads and they're yelling,
"You must hit the publish now!! NOW! NOW! NOW! You do not spread Spam for us, letting world know, we have the penis pills at discounted rate, you vill be dead motherfucker."
Word to any Russian Mafia folks reading my blog....
Comrade Asshole, I think you can find a better way to make a buck in the organized crime business than kidnapping bad spellers and forcing them to spread your spam.
I think there's enough people in the world looking for a job that you could probably get away with paying less than the minimum wage.  Since clearly you don't give a shit about committing illegal acts, you could run something like a spam sweatshop and pay people pennies to hit the enter key all fucking day.
I know it might cost you a little bit, but in the end, I would think it's better than risking a goddamn kidnapping charge.
I don't know about lawless Russia, but here in America, kidnapping will end up costing you an assload of money in attorney fees and restitution and shit like that.  Then, there is the whole, life behind bars and an iron grip on your soap in the shower, if you get what I'm sayin'.
So, I think you're better off running a sweatshop than kidnapping people for your pecker pill spamming purposes.  You are welcome, Russian mafia, for that little FREE gem of advice.
I kind of thought the Russians were smarter than that. After all, they managed to get in good with Lady Gaga and from what I hear, that is harder to do than getting a motherfucking drunk midget in a wetsuit.
Also, does the Russian Mafia really think a shit-ton of people are ordering their pecker pills from their spam?
I mean, come the fuck on! You have got to be a fucking moronic asshat to think people will say, "What? free pecker enlargement pills? Let me get in on this swag, before they're all snapped up!"
I would think the Russian Mafia could think of a better, more profitable
crime than kidnapping for spam.  How about a black market between the Americans and Russians? And I'm not talking about drugs, weapons or mail order fucking brides.
I'm talking good vodka and Faberge eggs and those cute fur hats.  They could also throw in some of those creepy ass Russian nesting dolls because people like those, all at a discounted rate.
WHOA!  It would be like an illegal fucking Russian Sam's Club without the free samples.
That is a nice crime. It doesn't involve murder or making people spam, it just involves making people happy on both ends with the selling of lovely things. And what could be more kick-ass than that?  Problem solved, and WINNING!.
The best part of that spam was the line, "They're coming back now." Can't you just see these poor spam kidnap victims sending me this e-mail while the shaved head guys took a damn vodka break or whatever kind of break they take and as the kidnap victims are sending me this SOS, they hear the drunken Mafia footsteps and the shouts of, "You are hitting the publish. Yes?" and the spammer kidnap victims all typing frantically to me, "Hurry! Hurry!"
I guess they have an incredibly high moral code and they'd rather be shot in the head than spam somebody?
Well, my question to these kidnap spam victims is,
"What the Fuck am I supposed to do?"  I mean, really? I'm no Laura Croft. I have no special skills. I'm not into martial arts.
I don't like to shoot or stab and I certainly won't kick in a door. My heels might break or I might mess up my pedicure and that would piss me off.
I also get my feelings hurt very easily. I don't like to get my hair messed up and I have super shitty  navigational skills, so even if I could rescue a
spammer, I'd get us lost within seconds of escaping.  And I'm very selfish, meaning if the goons hold a gun up to the kidnap victim's head and tell me they'll blow out their brains, if I don't join in on the spamming, I'd be all,

"Sorry Spammer, but I gotta run. I've got a pecker pill and a Duke waiting
at home."
So, no, I can't be all, "Yippee-Ki-Yay Motherf***rs." Because that's just not who I am. Sorry Spam kidnap victim.
Even if I did get so pissed off and decided to go all Diehard on the Russians, here was one little problem— the time on the spam.
Because I was waiting for you fuckers to e-mail me, I didn't read it until 5 hours had gone by. 5 long hours. That poor spammer was definitely dead by now and if they weren't, well, let's just say, it gave me great satisfaction to hit delete.
One less spammer in the world, done in by my hand...because of you all...and...wait...oh ok...I confess... 
It felt pretty fucking sweet.


  1. Nothing like coming back with a fury! *snort

  2. omg, you really need to send me some brownies. Speaking of brownies, I just thought of a question. Tally-ho.

  3. I got the Russian mafia comment a year or so ago. Looks like they didn't kill him. I bet his penis is huge by now.